Trump Inaugural Address Jan. 20, 2017
CNN.com (as prepared for delivery)
my truth in italics throughout the speech
“Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, and people of the world: Thank you. for paying attention to me, because I have to say this.
We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and to restore its promise for all of our people., especially for me, my family, and my friends.
Together, we will determine the course of America and the world for years to come. as long as by “we” you understand that I mean the royal “we.”
We will face challenges. We will confront hardships. But we will get the job done. whatever that means…
Every four years, we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power, and we are grateful to President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent. Much more so than I would have been. Believe me.
Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another, or from one party to another — but we are transferring power from Washington, D.C. and giving it back to you, the American People. And by “American people” I mean you to understand that I am really talking about specific ones.
For too long, a small group in our nation’s Capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost. , and it is my intention to continue this reaping until all possible resources of this country are being directed to me, my family, and my friends. Washington flourished — but the people did not share in its wealth. Politicians prospered — but the jobs left, and the factories closed. And it has troubled me, because I while I have not suffered much, I have also not personally benefited enough.
The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country. Their victories have not been your victories; their triumphs have not been your triumphs; and while they celebrated in our nation’s capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land. Don’t ask me what these “triumphs” and “victories” are, because I really have no idea. What I do know is that lots and lots of Americans feel disenfranchised, and so it benefits me to emphasize that some people have been “winning” while most of you are NOT.
That all changes — starting right here, and right now, because this moment is your moment: it belongs to you. Because at this exact moment, my friends and I are about to pounce on whatever resources are currently arranged to benefit the average American, and convert them to our already healthy, yet somehow to us deficient, personal wealth.
It, your wealth, your well-being, and your peace of mind, belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across America. This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United States of America, is your country. But not for long. So enjoy it for these last few moments.
What truly matters is not which party controls our government, but whether our government is controlled by the people. And let me tell you, as your White Daddy, and your elected leader, I know what is best for you. So you can just roll over and go back to sleep, because I am going to take care of everything. It is going to be great — just great. Believe me. January 20th 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. You can trust Daddy. Daddy has your back. It’s gonna be so great.
Everyone is listening to you now. Your screams of pain, your howls of misery, as your denial that I could become the leader of the “free world,” whatever that is, fell away and you faced the truth.
You came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement the likes of which the world has never seen before. You came to watch your televisions in shock, as the historic movement to manipulate the American people was made clear, as the election returns showed that I was going to be the leader. And that I, a wealthy, privileged, entitled sexist and racist, who was so smart at gaming the system, had triumphed over a far more qualified and rational candidate for President of the United States of America. At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction: that a nation exists to serve its citizens. Especially the rich, white male ones.
Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families, and good jobs for themselves. These are the just and reasonable demands of a righteous public. And lucky for you, I am going to tell you what a good school is, what a safe neighborhood looks like, and that your job is “good,” because I really do know better. I mean, look at me. I have it all!
But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities who did not live this way before; rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation , and we all know that Obama is directly responsible; an education system flush with cash, so flush with cash that schools cannot afford to stock the bathrooms with paper towels, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of knowledge, knowledge that stupid, mean and lazy public school teachers withhold from the poor children every day; and the crime and gangs and drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential income that I could and should have had.
This American carnage stops right here and stops right now. Because Daddy is going to make it all better. Believe me.
We are one nation — and their pain is our pain. Who “they” and “we” are exactly, I don’t know. But it does not matter. These are just words. You know: “talk talk talk.” Just meaningless. Their dreams are our dreams; and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious destiny. Blah blah blah. I am getting bored here.
So, here goes. The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all Americans. Lucky for me, I don’t care too much about the meaning of words, or the impact of my words on others. If I did, I would probably be really, really scared right now! But I don’t, so I’m not!
For many decades, we’ve enriched foreign industry at the expense of American industry, I know I sure have; subsidized the armies of other countries while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military, I mean the volunteer army has got to go, we basically don’t have anyone willing to serve anymore; we’ve defended other nation’s borders while refusing to defend our own because of the weak leadership of Obama; and spent trillions of dollars overseas while America’s infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. So let’s get busy and open some factories, build up our armed forces, and deploy some troops to the US borders to protect us from the frequent attacks of Canada and Mexico. America’s infrastructure is crumbling, but since infrastructure is not a very sexy problem don’t be surprised if this is the last time I bring it up.
We’ve made other countries rich while the wealth, strength, and confidence of our country has disappeared over the horizon. And I don’t have to tell you that scions a hell of a lot younger than me have started to show me up, even as I have been forced to take more and more Viagra in my attempts to complete intercourse. And let me tell you, it’s a real bitch. And I intend to build up my wealth, strength, and confidence, no matter what the cost!
One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores, with not even a thought about the millions upon millions of American workers left behind. Less than a thought even. And you can tell by the rich history of caring that I have demonstrated by my frequent charitable acts to American workers, and my focus on American workers’ rights and concerns over the years, that I am and have always been deeply concerned with American workers.
The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed across the entire world. At least, that is what I heard from someone. I don’t know how it happened. Probably that jerk Obama again.
But that is the past. And now we are looking only to the future. We assembled here today are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of power. Yes. We are going to make America great again with slogans!
From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. To seek out new life, and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before! *Star Trek music rises*
From this moment on, it’s going to be America First. And if you worry what I mean by “America” in “America First,” just don’t, cause Daddy’s got this. It’s gonna be great. Just great. Believe me. And you know what the “First” means, because the earth is a big old competition, and America has to win it, because that is what life is all about.
Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs, will be made to benefit American workers and American families. Believe me! We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products, stealing our companies, and destroying our jobs. Our borders have been leaking like a sieve! Products, companies and jobs have been just pouring out! It’s just terrible. Just awful. It has really bugged me for a long time. Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength. You’ll see. The Wall, the one Mexico is going to pay for, and never mind the one that Canada is going to build. And those walls at the airports and the seaports! You’ll see! They are going to be just terrific. Just great. The Walls are going to protect us LIKE CRAZY. Just watch.
I will fight for you with every breath in my body — and I will never, ever let you down. Cause Daddy loves you. Each and every one.
America will start winning again, winning like never before. Because never before have we had such an unbalanced, delusional leader in the White House…not since Nixon anyway. And politics is just like anything else in life: it is a competition. And I will win it, no matter what it takes.
We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we will bring back our dreams., our dreams of sexism, racism, and classism. Those were some good dreams, and I for one cannot wait for them to come back in full force. To tell you the truth, without those dreams I think we would have some real scary problems in this country, like tolerance, diversity, equality, liberty for all. What the hell? It just gives me the willies to think about it.
We will build new roads, and highways, and bridges, and airports, and tunnels, and railways all across our wonderful nation. Because we just do not have enough roads, highways, bridges, airports, tunnels and railways! And we need MORE! MORE! MORE!
We will get our people off of welfare and back to work — rebuilding our country with American hands and American labor. And not tiny hands either. Big hands. Very big hands. And feet too. Big feet. Big fuckin feet. You’ll see. It’s gonna be great.
We will follow two simple rules: Buy American and hire American. Or else. Except for me. I will continue to hire cheaper labor from overseas, and I will continue to not pay the American workers that I do hire, because I am special, and the rules do not apply to me. In fact, I change the rules as I go. I make the rules, and I change them, because that is what it means to be an entitled American scion.
But, even so, We will try to make it look like we seek friendship and goodwill with the nations of the world — but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first. So it’s really not all that important beyond just making it look good superficially. The only exception to this is Vlad Putin, a terrific guy, because he is so terrific and he really understands me in a way that no one else does.
And speaking of Vlad, We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example for everyone to follow. Wait, who got a hold of my crayon? I did not write that!
We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones — and unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the Earth. And by “eradicate completely from the face of the earth,” I hope all of you will understand that in this process, it may be necessary to destroy entire societies of innocent people who live near anyone rumored to be a radical Islamic terrorist. That’s just how the cookie crumbles. I know you get it though. Cause you elected me, so I know you get it.
At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America, and by “United States of America” I know you understand that means “Donald Trump” and through our loyalty to our country and mostly to the President, me, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other. So pretty much we are gonna be in a fuckin utopia is what I am trying to say.
When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice. and those who lay claim to being the MOST patriotic are generally also claiming to be the least prejudiced. Frankly, I don’t give a shit, but again, someone got hold of my crayon and changed my fuckin speech. SO here goes: The Bible tells us, “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.” Come on. You guys know I did not write that! I have never even cracked a Bible. It’s too damn boring.
We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity. Again, let me emphasize how much I am going to expect complete fealty, um, I mean loyalty, from each and every American. And if anyone messes this up, they are going to pay, and the paramilitary police are going to help me make sure of it.
When America is united, America is totally unstoppable. Which really, when you think about it, explains why I insist on loyalty so much. It really is critical to my plans.
There should be no fear — we are protected, and we will always be protected. So, just relax. Take your Soma. Breathe easy, people, because I have got this! I am a reality TV star and multibillionaire. You know I can handle it.
We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement and, most importantly, we are protected by God. And even more than God, by me.
Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger. I can hardly wait! I am shaking every time I think about how big my dreams of wealth and power are. I mean, for ALL Americans, of course!
In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is striving. Because striving is how I keep all of you busy. Too busy and stressed to think about what I am up to here in DC, and in NYC of course!
We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action — constantly complaining but never doing anything about it. Again. We all know who I am talking about here. Liberals. Bunch of ineffectual whiners.
The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. I am practically creaming myself right now with the knowledge of how much drama and mayhem I will be able to cause so many people as POTUS. It is going to be amazing. Everyone says so.
Do not let anyone tell you it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America. Blah blah blah. I am getting bored with this.
We will not fail to recognize how messed up things can get. Our country will thrive and prosper again. Maybe after I am done with it. I mean, I am definitely going to prosper. But the rest of you? Good luck! Hahahahaha.
We stand at the birth of a new millennium, ready to unlock the mysteries of space, to free the Earth from the miseries of disease, and to harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow. I don’t really know what all this means, but I don’t care for sure. That much is certain.
A new national pride will stir our souls, lift our sights, and heal our divisions. because I am pretty much a magical unicorn that can fix everything. I know that is why you elected me, I know that I can fix everything, and you know it too. So let’s just be happy about it and feel happy and good about me. I am going to fix all of the stuff that the liberals broke. It’s gonna be great. Believe me.
It is time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget: that whether we are black or brown or white, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots, and don’t be surprised to see some blood flowing on our streets, we all enjoy the same glorious freedoms, some more than others, and we all salute the same great American Flag. Seig heil, bitches!
And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the windswept plains of Nebraska, they look up at the same night sky that I do, they fill their heart with the same dreams of world domination that I have, and they are infused with the breath of life because I allow it, me and by the same almighty Creator who made me.
So to all Americans, in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, and from ocean to ocean, hear these words:
You will never be ignored again. like you are about to be ignored.
Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams will define your American destiny as my voice, hopes and dreams will define your day-to-day reality. And your courage and goodness and love for me will forever guide you and us along the way.
Together, We will make America strong again. with lots and lots of big weapons and many, many soldiers, all doing exactly what I tell them. Any disloyalty and you will be FIRED. If you are lucky! You know I mean it!
We will make me even more wealthy again.
We will make America proud of its strongarm tactics again.
We will make America safe for racism, sexism, and entitled old white men like me again.
And yes, together, we will make America great again. Or else. Thank you. God bless you. And God bless America.”Trump Inaugural Speech + truth